Aviation jokes

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Southwest Airlines makes humor a high priority. Here are some
actual humorous statements by airline flight crews:

"Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it`s warm, the sun is shining,
and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it`s
dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y`all wanna go there I
can`t imagine."

"As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and
seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of
an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to a seat
outside on the wing of the airplane."

"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane..."

"If you are so lucky to be traveling with small children..."

Flight attendant: To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and
if you don`t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn`t be out in
public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it
over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two
small children, decide now which one you love more."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before
assisting children or adults acting like children."

Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants
in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you
wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it`s a bit cold
outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

At the end of a flight: "Our flight attendants are now walking
through the aisles with trash receptacles for any garbage you might have
or anything else that you might wanna give us!"
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington
National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

Rating: 3.8 |

Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some
valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out
letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates,
asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in
asking, "What trip?"

Rating: 2.6 |

An airline stewardess was giving the standard safety briefing to the
passengers. She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing,
your seat cushion may be used as a flotation device,' when a man
remarked, "Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can
float?"

Rating: 3.6 |

At one of the packed, Delta ticket counters all of ticket agents were
doing their best to politely process each passenger as quickly as they
could. A man toward the end of the snaking line of passengers was
obviously impatient and very frustrated at having to wait so long in the
slow moving line. He finally decided to march right up to the counter
pulling his wheeled suitcase and demanded that he be given his boarding
pass. The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took a shallow,
deep breath and said, "Sir, as you can see there are many passengers ahead
of you. We are doing our best to process the passengers as fast as we
can. I'm afraid you'll have to get back in line". Outraged and red in the
face, the man yelled at the ticket agent saying, "Do you know who I
am ???!!!." The ticket agent turned, looked at him, blinked, took another
shallow, deep breath, picked up the public address system microphone and
said calmly, "There is a man at the Delta ticket counter who does not know
who he is. Anyone who may be able to identify this man is asked to please
step forward and identify him. Thank you".

Rating: 3.6 |

A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to
Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats,
why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of
an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the
stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your
mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the
stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on
time."

Rating: 3.6 |

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