AlltheJokes.com
The best humor! Aviation jokes and funny stories.

A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he
accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight
attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his
tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and
asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"

The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate
our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off
their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the
galley and can be much more efficient."

Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer
asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from
your fly?"

The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we
were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the
bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."

The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.

"Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."

The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"

The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use
the spoon."

A young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behavior. She came
to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey
would be the airport. After three hours of questioning passengers, she
sees a pilot walking to his gate. Having heard of the reputation of pilots
she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on human
sexuality...I was wondering if you could answer a few questions..." The
pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. After three
questions, she asks him "...and when was the last time you had sex?".
Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was shocked. She looks
at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a long time ago?". "Oh" the pilot
replies "I guess so...but it's only 2015 now..."

The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Chinese. It was the
first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that
they didn't get along.

After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, " I don't like
Chinese. "

The F.O. replied, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that? "

The Captain said, " You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese. "

The F.O. said, " Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That
JAPANESE, not Chinese. "

And the Captain answered, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't
matter. They're all alike. "

Another 30 minutes of silence.

Finally the First Officer said, " No like Jew. "

The Captain replied, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews? "

" Jews sink Titanic. " Said the F.O.

The Captain tried to correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the
Titanic. It was an iceberg. "

" Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same "

An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with
a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and
claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty
seat. Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the
USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you
have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still
more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr.
Gay and said the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?'' The
man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!'' The
flight attendant said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane.''
At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and
said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake--I'm Gay!'' Finally, another man
jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all
off!''

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to
write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After
considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at
a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some
modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union,
faced with the same problem, used a pencil.